Every year around Mother’s Day we transition into what I call my “Struggle and Strive.” I struggle deeply with the day while also striving to make the most/best of it at the same time. 

Since becoming a mother myself two years ago, the day has morphed into something new for me. Last year the palpable catch I always had in my throat loosened its grip some. The impending dread of being surrounded by friends whose mothers love them and support them unconditionally would come crashing in. Then came the worry that I’m going to get a screenshot of a post made by birth-giver trying to make herself look like a good mother and dragging an image of me into it. Nothing stings quite like feeling like a prop on Mother’s Day, brought out to festoon one’s obsession with appearing like a good mother all while being a monster behind closed doors. This day, simply put, has just haunted me for years. 

But then motherhood happened for me after 36 years of waiting for it. I do not have a birthgiver worth celebrating, but now I’m uniquely positioned in the place of trying to be a mother worth celebrating myself. The juxtaposition of those two things takes my breath away. I don’t have a shining example of what to do from her, more than anything, I have a glaring example of what not to do. Which, to her credit, can be equally illuminating-so for that I guess I should say thanks lady? 

Motherhood has also brought with it an abundance of understanding and knowledge.

You really have ZERO clue how deeply you can love someone or something until you have a child of your own. It’s almost animalistic, perhaps even feral, how all consuming and all encompassing the love I have for my child…there is literally nothing they could do to sway my love for them. Which has further brought to light my inability to understand why mine didn’t love me or want me? Loving your child is the easiest thing ever, in my opinion. 

I don’t know how Mother’s Day will feel this year, last year it was an overall great day for me. I reveled in the beauty and blessing of being someone’s mother and the joy it has brought into my life. I also glowed with gratitude for the outpouring of love and support from my spouse. I’m sure there will be a moment or two when the weight of not having a birth-giver worth celebrating will hit me, but I am going to strive to not let those thoughts and feelings consume me. 

Dear friends, as you walk through this week and this weekend, I pray you find your moments of Strive and that those moments outweigh your Struggle. We cannot change what happened to us at the hands of our parent/parents. We had no control over our wounded childhoods. But, we can work towards healed adulthood! 

I send you so much love, friends.