Let’s be real here, I HATE confrontation, with a fiery burning passion do I hate it. But confrontation is necessary at different points in your life. And despite what our internal nervous systems tell us, confrontation (when done correctly) can be healthy.

For years and years I wrestled with this scenario whereby I would drive to my birthgiver’s home with an accountability partner/support person in tow. I would read her a letter I’ve had written for years and I would confront the abuse and pain of my childhood. I just knew I would feel like a million bucks afterwards-freed from my pain and working towards healing. HA! Daydreams like this just don’t happen, though. My daydream did not take into account that my birthgiver had the ability to not allow me in, to refuse to speak to me, or after starting my letter not allowing me to finish it. I felt confounded by this, because nothing compares to face to face confrontation, right? Nothing relays the truth of deep emotions like relaying them in person. But I knew this just was not in the cards for me, so I pondered heavily how I was going to do what I needed to for closure and healing. I had written a letter in 2019 that I intended to read to her in person. That just never happened. Then “National Daughter’s Day” rolled around this year and I made my normal post that provides a space for me to love on the other daughters who are unloved and unwanted by one or more of their parents. For so many of us, just feeling seen or acknowledged on those days, helps a lot. A few days afterwards I found out my birth giver had made this “lovely” post on National Daughter’s Day…But for her current husband’s adult daughter. It sliced me like a knife. I’m not proud of how deeply it wounded me. Screenshots went out to my “board of directors” the nickname my husband has given my closest and most trusted friends (who are really my chosen family). One theme was consistent with each of those women in my life, it’s time to heal this wound, it’s time to stop allowing this hurt to be re-opened over and over and over again.

I sat back that day, in the ruin of my emotions, surrounded by the crumbling walls that encase this mother wound I have and I decided enough was enough. I cried hot tears. I cried out to God, reminding him that no weapon formed against me can prosper. I reminded the enemy that I am whole in Christ. And then I reminded myself, YOU are now a mother and YOU now know how easy it is to love a child-it’s time to confront and issue her something she’s never asked for and quite frankly doesn’t deserve, forgiveness.

A piece of me had to die to the idea that I wasn’t going to have my brave moment in person, imbued with a backbone of steel, facing my abuser and casting a light on the truth. But I didn’t have to see her in person to tackle my Mt. Everest, I could just send her a letter and trust that to be enough.

I pulled out the letter I penned in 2019 and read over it. 2019 M-R had a lot more healing to do, 2023 M-R is happy to report that healing had taken place. I had to gut out the letter. I can remember how I felt in 2019 writing the first letter. My cheeks red and inflamed, wet with hot tears, head throbbing from putting to paper all of my hurts and pain. The 2019 letter felt like I was cutting myself open just to pour out the agony. It sucked writing it and it sucked reading it again, because I know how badly 2019 M-R wanted to face her abuser in person. And I want to be frank and transparent here, I still had a longing for this confrontation in person, I still wanted to show that hurt little girl within me that I grew up to be brave and that I faced her… I faced her and told her YOU ABUSED ME and it isn’t okay. But more than anything, I wanted to show that hurt little girl within me that I did not need to see her to confront her and I did not need my peace disrupted in the name of confrontation.

So, I sat down and I gutted that 2019 letter-nearly starting from scratch. In the most peaceful and focused manner, I penned my hurt, I shared my healing, and I issued something that was never asked for and was completely NOT deserved, forgiveness. I did not issue forgiveness for her benefit (though I hope it could be a catalyst for her to actually get help), I issued forgiveness for the relief of my own soul. The writing this time did not wound me, I wasn’t in agony writing it-it felt like the release of a pressure valve and the weight of the world got off of my chest. I felt relief, I felt empowered, I felt for the first time in a long time “in control” of my emotions relating to her.

After penning my letter I sent it to the girls for them to read and issue constructive advice. Each of them shared this was a letter coming from a healing woman and while being honest about the past, it issued empathy to the very very damaged womanwho abused me. I sat with my letter for a few days, I talked to God about my desires to see some more healing once sending it and also for the letter to do what it was intended to do. Here is the thing you have to understand when dealing with narcissists and truly mentally ill people, the enemy can twist your words and manipulate them. Then you are faced with someone playing the victim instead of receiving the message.

After sitting on the letter and after many conversations with my husband and the women closest to me, and praying for peace I woke up and asked to be taken to the FedEx store near us. I was going to send it certified-I wanted her to have to sign for the letter. I could not make her read it, but I could have the knowledge that is was indeed received. I sent it. It felt like an out of body experience handing over that envelope to the FedEx staff member.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, my husband asked me, “how do you feel?” I shared, I feel relieved, I’ll feel even more relief when I know she’s signed for it.

I spent the next day checking the tracking on the envelope and when it was finally delivered it felt like the weight of the world had gotten off of my chest. I text a screenshot of the tracking and sent it to my girls and then I sat back in the knowledge that I had finally faced my boogeyman-in my own way and I spoke the truth and the reality of what she had done to me.

I don’t know if my birthgiver will have a moment of growth from all of this, quite frankly, that’s none of my business. But what I do know is this, I issued something my soul needed and I feel better.

Friends, as you are walking through your trauma and your wounds, I pray you feel emboldened with strength to seek healing. You are not destined to deeply hurt and ache for the rest of your life and you DO deserve peace.

Let’s keep healing together.