You’ve most likely encountered someone, be they “well-meaning” or not, who has a lot of opinions on your healing journey. They may have strong opinions on your choice on contact-whether it is no contact, low contact, or intermittent contact with your abuser. It’s often hard to tackle their comments or opinions because you feel defensive about your decision. It’s very easy for an outsider who has never lived your life or walked in your shoes to tell you how they think you should handle your trauma.

One of the many issues folks who have been abused deal with is feeling defensive and argumentative. Often times, we were so dismissed and shouted down by our abusers that we never had the chance to express ourselves and our opinions. Adulthood comes and we are finally given an opportunity to express our autonomy for the first time and we just don’t know how to do it. I know I still face people questioning me and then subsequently arguing with me about how they are right and I am wrong when it comes to my healing journey. They could NEVER fathom going no contact, they could never fathom talking about their trauma on social media, they could never fathom…. fill in the blanks. And it can be hard to just say to these folks, I respect your own unique journey and what has worked for you, please respect mine and the decisions I have made to feel safe and at peace.

Another topic that outsiders want to bring up is “regret.” You’re going to regret your decisions when they are dead. I know because I have regrets. It’s easy to want to just roll your eyes and scoff back at these folks but it’s safest to refrain and to do your best to express empathy for their journey and their regrets, because for them their regrets are a real part of their journey and process. But remember this, they have not walked in your shoes and they have not experienced your trauma. For so many of us I’ve heard that their abuser being dead didn’t bring regrets, it’s brought them relief. A new sense of safety and security. The looming fear of seeing them out in public is gone, for good, forever. I wish we could get these well-meaning folks to understand one thing, if you’ve never feared running into someone so much that their death would be a relief… you can’t speak on the trauma someone else has faced.

I don’t wish ill will towards my abuser. I have often found myself praying for God to heal her, bless her, and open her eyes. Not for me, but for her own sake. I’ve forgiven and still choose to forgive-because for me forgiveness is a day to day process. As old memories surface I have to choose to forgive again, not for her sake, but for my own. Forgiveness can be such a tricky word for some people. They think, oh! you’ve forgiven her, that means she should be back in your life. No. No it does not. Forgiveness does not mean access. In fact, my boundaries are necessary. My healing requires that I honor what my body needs and that is peace and that peace comes with a no contact price tag.

I want to encourage you to dig deep and find what will lead you to peace. For me, my faith has played the biggest role and forgiveness has been a part of my process that I found to be necessary. Talking about what I have experienced has helped me so much and I hear from you all that talking about your hurts helps you tackle them and it kicks off your healing journey as well. Remember this, if you’re not talking about it, you’re swallowing it…. And if you let it fester enough it will eat you from the inside out. I pray you find the strength to start your journey towards healing the childhoods that left us reeling, at the hands of abusers who let us down. Together we will get through this!