I decided to take a much-needed sabbatical the last few of months due to something incredible finally happening in my life, becoming a mother. My husband and I have finally become pregnant, and the last few months have been a whirlwind for us. Between the exhaustion and sickness, coupled with the all-consuming excitement that has come, we have been very insular, and I am glad we have.

Becoming a mother has brought with it a lot of reflection and dissection. There are no words to describe what it feels like to see your baby on a screen and to hear their heartbeat. It will take your breath away. My husband and I have had many discussions on our forthcoming little one and parenting. Will we be good parents? Will we know what to do the first time they get sick? How do we best love them and raise them? One singular thing has come up for all of these questions we have, we may not have all the right answers this very moment, but we do know what we do not want to do, and that right there is a fantastic start.

Interspersed between the nausea and vomiting and exhaustion comes fascinating changes in one’s body and mind. I have never been more aware of my person and my need for space and protection. I have also become deeply aware of the weight of what I carry-this child’s needs and future being the most important thing, well really, ever.

With all of this is mind I have had this other looming feeling that I just cannot shake. This much desired and prayed for pregnancy and child has somehow placed a spotlight on the lackings of my own birth giver. It has erupted so many questions that have sprung forth and taken my breath away some days. As a daughter I have chosen over and over and over to forgive her. For my own peace, for my own solace, for my own healing. But now as a mother….I will NEVER understand why she hurt me so much and why she couldn’t love me. I feel like my head is a constant roar of dreams I have for my child, who will they be? What will they love? How can I best provide for them to be everything they are called to be? Their very life consumes me, and their very presence makes me incredibly happy and thankful. How did she not feel that way about me? How do I reconcile how she treated me when I am filled with so much love and anticipation for this little life I have growing inside of me? I can’t and I don’t think I ever will. But for now, I will dwell in this sacred space of pregnancy and motherhood. I will be grateful for the nearly palpable feeling of having my heart grow. I will honor this child and continue the work needed to make sure I give them the very best of me.

For any other mothers out there trying to reconcile the depth of love they feel for their own children juxtaposed by the lack of love we had from own mothers…you are not alone. I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully unravel this for myself, but I do know this, our precious little ones will never have to suffer in the ways we did.

I send you so much love during this holiday season, may it be filled with the love and peace we always needed growing up.