Boundaries are often a hard topic to discuss and an even harder reality to accept. As we enter into adulthood and independence from our parents/abusers, we are often met with well-meaning people trying to guilt us into remaining around the people who hurt us the most. Here’s a reality check for you, no matter what anyone else has to say-you are NOT required to be around your abuser as an adult.

For years people have tried to guilt me into being around my abuser. Once I finally made the decision to stick with “no contact” I was overwhelmed with the amount of peace I started experiencing. To be transparent, my birth giver is who initiated the not talking/being around each other in 2016 and I finally decided that it was healthy for me to create a hard boundary. Now, she’s popped back up a few times since 2016, but I haven’t let her back around me, and I won’t. I got married without her there, I have built a beautiful life with my husband without her there, and one day I’ll have my own little family, without her there. And that’s the way it needs to be for me to have the peace I deserve after a childhood that left me wounded.

I have people who often pose the question to me, “well what if she has changed, you’d never know because you won’t be around her?” You’re right, I won’t know, and I am okay with that. Because truthfully, I know unless she has a radical and true encounter with God and is delivered from the things that oppress her, any change with her is temporary. And I can’t hinge my personal health on temporary. My peace has value and we don’t sell ourselves short at the cost of our peace. I have people who often respond with, but she such a spiritual person, she’s always in church, she’s always posting about God… I know, I have lived that life with her my whole life. One person in the public and a monster behind closed doors. To the world she might be “deeply spiritual” but my reality with her has been she’s hiding a plethora of wicked behind smoke and mirrors… everything that glitters is not gold.

So what do boundaries with our abusers look like? These will vary from person to person. I am no contact, which means I do not allow them space around me at all and I do not go into shared spaces with them knowingly. For others, it might be low contact, with just the holidays being shared with their abusers or only select days. Further, others may find that they are able to limit their abusers out of certain aspects of their lives and allow them space in others and still have peace. It wholly comes down to what works best for your own well-being. For years I tried the low contact method and I wouldn’t be okay for weeks after seeing my birth giver. When I finally realized no contact was the key factor for me, I stopped allowing the outside world to dictate what was best for me.

You have the freedom to choose how you will allow your abuser(s) in your life, if even at all. I just want to empower you with the truth that it is YOUR decision and other’s opinions on it do not matter and should not carry any weight. You can forgive someone and never allow them around you again. I have and I am thankful each day that I chose to do just that.

Boundaries are not cruel, they in fact, are healthy.