Have you ever felt like you cannot be happy and also sad at the same time? Or feel there is an inability to grieve and be grateful at the same time? You’re not alone.

I have coined a phrase in my own life to cover this, you can both struggle and strive. For example, there certain holidays that have just not been great for me for a number of years. Since meeting my husband I have tried my best to “suck it up” during these holidays while we were dating. After we got married I have made it my mission to find new ways to enjoy these holidays and to form new traditions with my husband.

We had our very first Christmas together as a married couple last year (2021) and I knew I was going to have to tackle some of my issues head on. We sat down together and discussed the importance of traditions to each of us and finding new ones to fit our household perfectly. Together we decided that Christmas morning was going to be a sacred space for us, to be celebrated in our home together. We agreed we both loved the idea of matching Christmas “Jammies” and a hearty Christmas morning breakfast together. We even ironed out the details of the exact meal we wanted to share each Christmas morning and that it would become our tradition. If you’re wondering what we chose for our meal, it’s cinnamon rolls fresh out of the oven, maple sausages, eggs and hot cocoa. I woke up Christmas morning apt on having a good day no matter what. We threw on our matching pajamas and our pet’s matching pajamas as well, I got busy in the kitchen cooking up a feast and then together we enjoyed a quiet morning opening gifts and soaking up time with one another and our pets.

Now my day wasn’t without some struggle. Old memories of bad holidays gone by crept in a few times. I sat surrounded by love and warmth, but my struggle of the day was thinking of how easy it was to have a good morning-why couldn’t the bad ones from my childhood, why couldn’t they be better? For me, having a narcissistic mother and maternal Grandmother who were CONSUMED with making the holidays all about them and how many gifts they got, I got burnt out on the consumerism and lavish non-sense of the gaudy gifts and public displays. I wanted nothing more than to see both of those women in my life take a step back and let the other members of our family feel okay with what they got. From having a Grandmother who would intentionally count out hundred dollar bills from her husband loudly as if to say, none of you are getting things as good as I am, to a mother who insisted on being given the best of the best even if my family didn’t really have the money to justify it. It always felt phony to me, and I always..always…always felt like I wasn’t good enough. Those feelings of being unworthy, they are difficult to walk through.

Because of these two women in my life, I learned to hate the holiday season. I even grew a rampant hatred of Christmas music, something my closest friends had to navigate with me for YEARS. But there is a silver lining here. In my season of striving this past holiday season I determined within myself to not let them rob me of another holiday season that should be filled with joy. My husband and I had the most beautiful holiday season, I gladly listened to some Christmas music and I did not spend the day in tears thinking of what should have been years ago.

Friends, as you work to identify your struggle and strive, I encourage you to honor what your body and brain needs. If that means holding boundaries and protecting precious days from intrusion, do it. If it means facing your fears and attending a family event for the first time in years, do so if it will not disrupt your peace. Whatever you need to do to reclaim things that have value to you, do it, as long as you are protecting your peace and honoring your needs. I know honoring your own needs may be foreign to many of us who grew up without a single need being met by the adults around us, but push yourself to identify your needs and meet them in a healthy manner. You peace has value, friends, honor it and yourself.

I am also including some photos from Christmas this past year, enjoy a peek into what we have coined the “Nash Family Zoo” and Pocket and Edgar Meow Poe in their Christmas Jammies-Pippin did not join our zoo until 2022.